How to become a human vegetable

(Lessons from my 'veg-out' weekend)

This past weekend, I had vowed to totally and unabashedly vegetate (I call it my ‘veg-out’ weekend). It was long overdue, having had the pressures of the world on my shoulders for a long time, I felt it necessary to degenerate the thinking process from the relentless pursuit of self-improvement questions down to a ‘zero’ state; when the mind grinds down to an almost complete stop and the thinking process merely utters requests for food, water and ‘digestion’ needs.

So, having successfully completed my ‘veg out’ weekend, and with the clear understanding that many readers out there would welcome becoming non-sentient vegetables for a couple of days, I bring forth some lessons. The words below are general guidelines on how to totally (and without guilt) vegetate over the course of a weekend (or a couple of weekdays if you happen to be lucky enough to command those as your own);

The will to vegetate

Like all noble pursuits, it takes willpower and a bit of resolve to totally vegetate. Most believe hours spent in front of the idiot box or with friends just lounging about are vegetative hours, but this may not always be the case. All too often this is enforced or planned recreation with an end. True vegetation requires the suspension of belief in any sense of purpose, duty, professionalism and the abdication of responsibility to levels where nothing but the basics matter.

So, you must be absolutely sure that you are willing to become a human vegetable, be totally useless for a defined period of time and care not what the (usually minor and often trivial) consequences of your actions will be. Bear in mind that vegetables (for the most part, exceptions being free spirited potatoes or ill-mannered onions) are harmless. They do not have the capacity to harm others. So, as a human vegetable, you can decide to indulge in ‘nothingness’ knowing you are no threat to self or society.

Important Do’s

Most people believe the best way to vegetate, especially in the summer months, is to create an environment devoid of sunlight. This is not true. Like any vegetable, a little bit of sunlight is necessary at the start of each vegetative day. So, pick a mundane (and most decidedly unnecessary) activity like roaming around aimlessly, driving around the block again and again, purchasing something of little monetary value and of no practical use whatsoever etc. Do this at the start of the vegetable weekend, both days. It is important to get the brain to register the few moments of sunlight at the start, so you may retreat in the darkness afterwards. This also allows the experience to be ‘guilt’ free.

Do ensure all electronic appliances are already plugged in and ready to go. Nothing makes a vegetable retreat faster into an active state than having to deal with complex tasks like turning the power on, installing software, getting sockets ready etc. Do this the night prior to the ‘veg’ days. Once set up, the human vegetable should (maximum) have to take out and change DVDs or press the channel / volume button. 

The same applies to food. Vegetables simply feed off the nutrition in the soil, so for human variants it is important to have food, and that too junk / fast food, readily accessible and devoid of any real taste. Taste and flavor are human indulgences; a true vegetative person has no need for these.

Stare into nothingness

While this is not exactly meditation (which in itself has a purpose), it is important to give yourself a few hours of ‘staring into nothingness’. Pick a wall, preferably blank, or a window with no real view, and just stare at it. 

Make an attempt at thinking about nothing. If it helps, create enough back-ground noise and distraction so that your mind keeps wandering even if you are plagued with ‘thoughts’. This is an essential aspect of pre-vegetative state and is a precursor to the ‘dumbing down’ phase. Stare for as long as you can manage, at all times avoiding concentration on any one thing, and at all times avoiding thinking about anything important. I find staring at an actual bit of vegetation helps. So look around for a plant (those small desktop cactuses work best). Plants don’t move, so they make for perfect staring companions.

The dumbing down phase

We are fortunate enough in Pakistan to catch channels such as ‘Star World’ and ‘Filmax’. With the release of magazines such as ‘Hello’ and ‘GT’ we now have ample watching and reading material to dumb us down. Put these elements in front of you and let them engulf you in the yolk of absolute stupidity and banality.

Dumbing down is not easy, and takes practice. 

DO NOT attempt to watch the news. Though newscasters and producers themselves often suffer from serious intelligence deficits, this does not mean the news itself will assist your dumbing down. Avoid it like the plague. Avoid also the common fallacy that stupid people will help the process. Stupid people, if anything, make one smarter by comparison and the mind eventually starts to smarten up out of revolt. Find reality TV shows, watch ‘Glee’ (buy / rent it if you must), ‘read’ GT (or browse ‘The Sun’ website). All these activities will assist in dumbing down the senses.

The right entertainment

Do not allow the dumbing down phase to completely schedule your veg time. It is important to find entertainment that suits your needs. A 6 to 7 hour long session with the PS3 (or the Xbox 360) is a perfect way to be in the true vegetative state of being. Pick an easy but multi-level game and just get lost into it. 

Buy 3 to 6 DVDs (depending on the amount of hours you intend on vegetating for) and watch them back to back if you can. Preference should be given to action flicks, or Rom Coms. Avoid dramas, thrillers etc. Thinking, guessing or character development oriented films do not go well with vegetative states.

If you are going to have company, make sure it too is intent on vegetating. Be clear about your objectives and ensure you avoid the ‘hyper active’ sort. They may pretend to want to vegetate but will invariably throw in a ‘dine out’ or activity based suggestion at some point.

  

Sleep at random hours

Sleep is an essential part of vegetating. Break from your routine and attempt sleeping at 6 in the evening, or at some other random hour of the day (when you are sure there is life outside the confines of your home). Sleep late, wake up late. Better still, sleep late (like around 4 am) and wake up at 7, pig out on whatever food you can get your hands on and go back to sleep. Nothing creates a more ‘thoughtless’ state of being than the pleasure of oversleeping, or hitting the sack at 8 am.

Apart from the above, it is important to allow yourself no judgment or second thoughts. Staying in your sleeping ‘slacks’, leaving the kitchen in a mess and simply de-generating for a defined period of time are often healthy activities in the larger scheme of things. 

Take it from me, the mind needs the break. It is important to understand why you are vegetating and to allow yourself the time to do so. To do it without feelings of guilt is essential, so it is important to create mechanisms of ‘positive vegetation’ re-enforcements by finding a vegetative partner, making of a list of accomplishments or simply using will-power to undo any thoughts of purpose (prior to the veg period).

May you experience the veg-out weekend as thoroughly as I have.

(The above does not pretend to provide a solution to load shedding during vegetation, as the author’s veg-out weekend was made possible due to a rare load shedding free weekend in Lahore. Suffice to say If I had a solution to this particular problem, I would not have time to vegetate)