The online mating reality

Are you a Ninja, A Player, Lonely or Casual?

First, the Eharmony user Mantra:

“God give me the weapons to fight the monsters I can,

The wit to hide from the ones I cannot

And the bloody-mindedness not to care about the difference!!”  

You want to know what I think? Well you’re reading this so I am assuming you do .. I think online dating is becoming like romance and relationships in real life. It is no more a proxy; there is self-projection, rejection, lying, disappointment, costs and prejudices that are no different than the physical process of wooing prospective mating partners.

The more complex the dating site, the more it is attempting to mimic people’s behaviour patterns. Eharmony, arguably the leader of the field, attempts to recreate the assessment process by creating neat, clear and cliched categories. The 4 step process is designed to weed out people we may not end up relating to. Common filters that appear during this process are not so different from the one’s that appear in real life. Answer 1 question wrong, show 1 character trait that’s off-putting, write one word that turns the match off, and that’s that. You’re done. This of course once you've actually made it past the physical appearance, job status, age and general necessities.

The system is pretty flawed. The categories and questions are too narrow, too cliche and way too formulaic to really make accurate, real-life like connections a possibility. None the less, it is an attempt. Its also a fantastic business model. By providing it’s own set of matches, controlled communication and detailed profile options, the site is increasing the time the user spends on the site, and maximizes the ‘hope’ factor for each user. The longer you stay online, the more money you’re spending (nominally or in real terms). Their most recent ingenuity is to charge a ‘small’ fee (99 cents) for letting you know when exactly your messages are read (thus letting you see whether the person is interested or stalling).

Real life works along similar patterns. Bars have attractive staff because they wish to project an inviting, sexually intensive environment for prospective mating. In addition to that, they too want you to hang around as long as possible; busty barmaids or hunky barmen certainly help. When you meet prospective matches (which are again naturally matched better than random populations because of the location, price range and atmosphere of the bar) your first lines are crucial. You will need to dress and look the part. You will need  to have the right cues for you, smile a lot, be confident, try not to be a bore, etc. Following on, your more ‘intimate’ communication is going to have to meet the style and speed of your match.

Here’s the vital difference though: in real life, people’s need to fit each other along specific cliques is less obvious and can often be overcome by a more interactive way of doing things. That you may not read a lot or that you don’t care what your family may think about your date/partner are not the most immediate issues of concern. You don’t need to point out what you’re looking for in a partner before hand, or at-least those are not questions that come up expressed in such specific terms (except when you’re actually having a conversation with someone you met on EHarmony; I suppose we get so programmed by the process it spills over into actual personal space).

Given this important difference, EHarmony users should be aware of 4 categories which I have created, being true to the spirit of EH-ers (who will, after protracted use, lose the capacity to live beyond cliches):

1. The Players

Players are going to have amazing pics on their profiles. There will be at-least 5 of them, they will be social, fun, outdoorsy and dashingly well dressed. These are users who spend variable hours on the site, and make every part of their profile count. Everything will almost always sound like everything else, and it will work for them because the people they are looking for aren't very original themselves. They will all play it cool when they need to, message as many matches as they can, set broad filters and reveal less than 50% of their actual weaknesses, if any.

Expect players to meet at-least 5 matches in person over every month. Their motto: I am in it to win it, every time I play, I've got my A game on.

2. The Ninjas

Ninjas know the system well, but tend to be more choosy in their efforts. Profiles will be well suited to what they want, carefully crafted and concise. They are selective, and operate only in the darkness of the night (literally; they prefer not to go online during the day, for work or other reasons, and will never want to be seen as operational during daylight hours). They avoid spreading themselves too thin, and limit their profile details to the extent that they can. They have learnt to be effective, maybe the hard way.  

Their craft comes from their ability to choose the kind of match they know will work for them; and follow through with the kind of communication vibe that will make it happen.

Ninjas should ideally be meeting at-least 3 matches in person every month. Their motto: Practice makes perfect, I will train everyday.  

3. The Lonely hearts

Lonely people just seek companionship. Unfortunately, companionship does not come easy to those who feel isolated and unsocial in general, either by choice or circumstances (or both). They end up on EHarmony mostly out of need: and this will usually come through in their approach. They have weeks of intensive activity, followed by weeks of feeling rejected. Eharmony operators live for these souls. The majority of EHarmony features are designed to keep these users interested, keen and always hopeful. Their profiles will often be filled with attempts at self-projection that may seem contrived, over-thought or totally spaced out. They will change their profiles often, and look at matches over and over again. They will reach out to anyone and everyone and often with too much intensity. They’re lonely, so even the hint of interaction is enough to send them into overdrive.

Lonely hearts very rarely meet matches in person, and when they do, usually try and make it work. Their motto: It has to work out someday, I must keep trying really hard.

4. The Casuals

Casuals are users who rely predominantly on their daily lives to meet people, but use the service on and off, sometimes more during periods of low social activity, sometimes don’t go online for months on end. Casuals will have adequate profiles, and may spend some time getting the info out there, usually accurately and honestly. Profiles are straight-forward, the approach is more measured, and aloof. More often than not, casuals will range their efforts across the year; somewhat unpredictably and with varying degrees of success.

When highly active, Casuals meet 1-2 matches in person per month. Their motto: Worth a try.  

….

Given the 4 categories above, I suppose the most important thing for users to remember is that they needn't be stuck in any one category (unless out of choice), and that there are matches that will fall into some variation of the above. It may help tune the approach, or avoid disappointment. If you’re lonely, you need to respect your situation but not accept it as a permanent one; essentially be positive. try and mix some elements of all of the above.

Unfortunately, being 100% honest cannot work when there is an algorithmic matrix involved. The fields are pre defined, the matching system programmed. You've paid the fees, you’re stuck with the service. Might as well use it along certain ‘rules of engagement’. Honestly, I would much rather live in a world where the process was a physical version of EHarmony; singles bars of old. But this is an information age, where time and geography are meshed and confusing.

It is ironic, and sad, that the very people online dating was created to help, the lonely and the shy, are the very people least likely to succeed there. Users, especially women (who get on average 5 times more messages than men), are too jaded and brainwashed into accepting the filters and questions as the gauge that defines success and failure. Most users can’t, won’t understand intellectualized communication and can pick up on desperation. They won’t move past the pictures. The reality is that mate hunting by itself is a shallow process. The stats may read as “over 500 users get married each month”, but that in itself does not mean that the majority of users are looking for depth; Superficiality is a way of life for interactive digital spaces. Where better to let the this approach thrive than an online dating site.  

Honestly, if Eharmony hasn't worked for you over a 5 month stretch, leave if you can. It can get mentally taxing, even if you can afford to keep it on. Rejection chips away at self-confidence. Despite what they tell you, people do start reflecting upon their own inadequacies if they are not getting any responses. Try and change the profile settings, work with customer services to ensure you get matched better, stay positive and upbeat, or move onto the real world. You are more likely, probably by a factor of 10x, to meet A person (and eventually THE person) if you’re out and about trying to make real life connections at the right places.