The short history of Pakistan for idiots

(The following is full of historical inconsistencies and can only be considered moderately researched)

Pre-Partition: the wrong kind of Mongols

God fearing descendants of Mongols, calling themselves Mughals, decide to reign over India with Muslim undertones. Babar, thoroughly confused between his Mongol heritage and his Persian mother, decides to inculcate art alongside a love for all things Holy.

The empire starts to crumble centuries later when the nutter Aurengzeb (who, amongst other things, decides to punish his father for building the Taj Mehal) decides to make an organized, disciplined state with, again, Muslim overtones. His sons are fuck-ups; too busy partying and making love to concubines, they lose the kingdom to British merchants.

British rule

The Brits do what they do best: Divide, conquer and trade away most of the precious commodities India has to offer at the time. So good is the commerce, India is declared the Jewel in the crown. Railroads are made, institutions are created, the civil service is born. The natives are incensed.

Hardened by centuries of British weather, the Brits successfully administer India and walk off with the continents biggest rock.  

Partition: The Brits fuck it up

Jinnah, a well meaning, if misguided, lawyer decides it is better to let the Muslim loonies have a state of their own. Millions die, millions move about; Pakistan, a broke, hopelessly divided country, is born. Our flag drives home the message: The green shall forever be more influential than the white. Brits massively fuck it up by leaving almost all the major stuff on the Indian side. Ensure the two shall never get along by giving control over the water to the Indians.

Gandhi becomes an international symbol.

1948: The first thieves

Jinnah dies from smoking too much. The first of (many) thieves take over, starting a long tradition of never allowing democracy to take root. The first vote tampering takes place. Political allegiances are created on the basis of how much land you own.

1960s: The Faujis > why budgets matter

Men in uniform (men with guns and tanks) decide to take over. “We don’t over take, we just take over”. People start realizing what happens when you give money to military. Army rule is proud, militant, and leads to many wars. First one is won, the second, well, not so much.

East Pakistan does what comes naturally (given its way too far to govern): India decides to interfere, seemingly kicks our ass. Army loses grace, but doesn’t lose too much money. Many declare it an unfair war, as if war was fair.

1970s: The alcoholic PM

Bhutto beats his chest and breaks a few microphones to come to power. Screws over the commies, most of the socialists, and becomes the first, and only, alcoholic PM of Pakistan. Famously keeping a glass of vodka handy by the bedside, he tries to woe the bearded ones and bans alcohol. Is blamed for the war, and for all his charm, is hanged by the ultimate nutter: Zia.

Zia: The ultimate lunatic

Zia adds to the legend of armed folk running countries by creating the longest military dictatorship known to the country. Utterly crazy, this fox reigns for too long; the military end up hating him about as much as the civilians. Gifts the MQM to the nation, alongside a special care for special children. Makes an already intolerant society even more intolerant. Allows the alcohol industry to become a major source of income for the police and the ports.  

Russians invade Afghanistan. America outsources the task of training and arming the Afghans to Pakistan. Millions are made. Decades later, two very big towers fall and Americans wonder why.

Zia famously cries in public before blowing up in the air; alongside some Americans and mangoes, most are too relieved to care much about why he blew up.

1980s: Yes we will, no we won’t – Pinky comes to town

Army cannot decide whether to keep control or stay out, so ends up somewhere in the middle. Pinky, Bhutto’s daughter, comes into power. Has all the charm and know-how of her dad, can’t speak Urdu properly and marries a gangster.

Army keeps coming and going, steps in every now and then. Muslim league becomes a real thing again.

1990s: We’ve got the bomb

India blows up its nukes in a test. Proud Pakistan responds in kind. Entire nation rejoices. Pakistan goes into its worst recession in decades.

Highly trained and armed men from Afghanistan decide they’ve been ignored for too long, start training harder. America is oblivious, and Pakistan sees no harm in letting them go about their business.

Bored, Army continues to fight wherever it can; re-enforces its presence in one of the most inhabitable places on earth. Kashmir continues to annoy India. With too much money and no real war to fight, Army blows up bombs in Delhi, and starts crawling inside Indian Territory.

The millennium: Bin Laden becomes a brand

Nawaz Shariff tries to make an engineer the head of the Army, Musharaff tell him to fuck off and takes over. Oversees many good things, and many bad things.

America realizes what a colossal fuck up Afghanistan was; twin towers are brought down.

Pakistan miraculously survives the war on terror by only being bombed by the Taliban. Shit hits the fan in a very real way. Musharaf leaves the country in a mess. More young boys blow up all over the country. The war on terrorism becomes a day to day thing.

Bush becomes the worst American president ever: sends troops all over the world, spends trillions and achieves very little. World economy has a minor collapse, Pakistan already so close to rock bottom, remains unaffected.

Post Musharaf: Pinky returns again

Daughter of the east comes back. Is taken out by her gangster husband, who becomes President, lord and chief. Steals everything that is left, Army does not interfere.

Pakistan witnesses the most organized and steady loss of its assets and civil society in its history. People still hold faith in democracy. First civilian government to complete its term proudly walks way with trillions and leaves the country, finally, totally bankrupt.

Present day                                               

People turn up in hoards to vote; Nawaz comes back. Country finally runs out of electricity, and soon, water.

Where we go from here is anybody’s guess.